Have you ever had one of those life changing moments that come out of no where?
It happened to me the morning of NYE 2019 when I was lazying on the sofa watching Tipping Point googling cocktail recipes when a sudden thought randomly popped into my head…… when am I due on my period?
A quick scan of my cycle app, confirming yep, over a week late, prompted my quick trip into town strangely feeling calm. Lots of explanations wizzed through my head; lots of travelling through different time zones, work stress, recent birthday, Christmas, too much unhealthy eating and drinking…… It will be down to one of those and there’s only one way to put my mind at ease in time for cocktail consumption later.
Half hour or so later, I’m still staring at the solid lines that took seconds to appear and not minutes like the test said. The lines are so thick and clear, there was no mistaking the positive result……
To make it clear, not at one point did I feel regret. I did lack maternal instincts and that desperate longing for a baby that some women have, but I did want kids some day and it was always part of the plan. Although I did get sick of people saying to us, “Oh it will be you two next”, or “When are you going to have a baby”, and “You’re in your 30’s now”, blah blah blah.
What I did feel in heaps was guilt when I started to think about my career, what my boss would think, whether I could travel still and how quickly could I go back to work. I’d worked hard getting where I was that I didn’t want to give it up. Then I started to feel bad that I wasn’t grateful enough….. here was me moaning about my career (one I will still have if I want to!) when there were women out there (some I knew) that couldn’t have children or found it extremely difficult to have children. I started to resent myself through their eyes so kept these thoughts and feelings to myself. Then it was awkward when people would ask, “Was it planned?” Why do people think it’s okay to ask that question? My polite answer would be, “It wasn’t not not planned?” I enjoyed the confused look on their face before the subject got changed.
The guilt then turned into anxiety, which was a new feeling for me. I’ve never been an anxious person mainly because I’ve controlled as much as I could in my life. But this wasn’t something I could control or had any clue about. Google became addiction until a friend told me not under any circumstances google my symptoms as it WILL make things worse. I paid for private scans from 6 weeks until my 12 week scan on a bi weekly basis because I was convinced something would go wrong. When it came to telling friends and family we were pregnant I couldn’t even say the words ‘I’m pregnant’ and had to leave it to Ryan because I couldn’t get the words out. It felt foreign to me, not in a bad way just in a very surreal and overwhelming way. This happens to people all the time, so why couldn’t I handle it better?
At what we assumed was 6 weeks LMP (which means last menstrual period), we paid for a private scan with Windows to Womb in Maidstone. The reviews of the clinic were really great and at this point I just wanted to know if the pregnancy was viable so I could relax (I later learn you never relax!). There was no way I could wait until 12 weeks. I was convinced on the drive over that there would be nothing there but the ladies in the clinic made us feel really relaxed with their friendly but professional manner.
When it came to the examination (its done internally pre 10 weeks!) the sonographer performing the scan had the screens on the wall turned off to begin with. I continued to stare at the black widescreen TV in front of me patiently waiting for her to say something. A minute or so passed when the chaperone in the room with us smiled, stood up and turned on the two widescreen TVs. A grainy dark image appeared with some roundish smudges. I had no idea what I was looking at or the words that followed. I heard parts of sentences like two yolks (I didn’t know what a yolk was except I didn’t like my yolk runny), two embryos, two heartbeats. Our faces must’ve looked a bit blank so next, she spoke simply and clearly so we could finally comprehend.
Currently 22 weeks and 5 days writing this. Will follow up next with a First Trimester post and also a post about Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS).